


In My Head: Always.

by WayWardWatson



Category: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter RPF
Genre: Angst, Falling In Love, Flashbacks, Ghosts, Grief/Mourning, Humor, Implied Relationships, Injury, M/M, Memories, Pancakes, Plants vs. Zombies, R&R Connection - Freeform, Romance, War, Zombies, implied mavin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-06
Updated: 2014-06-06
Packaged: 2018-02-03 14:51:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,033
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1748525
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WayWardWatson/pseuds/WayWardWatson
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live." - JK Rowling </p><p>“You are, and always have been, my dream.” - Nicholas Sparks</p><p>“It is a curious thing, the death of a loved one. We all know that our time in this world is limited, and that eventually all of us will end up underneath some sheet, never to wake up. And yet it is always a surprise when it happens to someone we know. It is like walking up the stairs to your bedroom in the dark, and thinking there is one more stair than there is. Your foot falls down, through the air, and there is a sickly moment of dark surprise as you try and readjust the way you thought of things.” - Lemony Snicket, Horseradish</p>
            </blockquote>





	In My Head: Always.

**Author's Note:**

  * For [i_like_to_touch_butts](https://archiveofourown.org/users/i_like_to_touch_butts/gifts).



> I highly recommend playing Coldplay's new album, Ghosts. Specifically True Love, Ink, and Magic. Especially Always in my Head (which the title is based on), Sky Full of Stars, and O/Fly On. Heck, if you aren't a big Coldplay fan, just play some Arrival of the Birds & Transformation (edited) and Primavera by Ludovico Einaudi. 
> 
> This is a lovely little gift for my friend, they have been amazingly patient and I hope that they enjoy this. I hope it breaks them.
> 
> Above all; I really really recommend playing the music. I know that when I see notes asking me to see their music selection without a link, I don't (because I'm lazy - there have been a few exceptions).   
> But I think you'd be making a mistake if you didn't for this fic. 
> 
> Enjoy!

It started with waking up alone after having overslept again and everyone else were already awake, dressed, and likely eating breakfast in the other room without him. Ray woke up, bleary eyes glaring at the van’s garish ceiling of pastel urine yellow or, if he was lying on his side, it’s even more bland white walls, before he’d eventually managed to drag himself out of bed.

He’d lifelessly trudge to their shared, cramped bathroom that stunk of sweaty men and moustache waxing products. He’d start by pushing Gavin’s crap gel to the outer most left of the small sink counter before roughly twisting the rusty dials that would loudly squeal in protest before even a droplet of water trickled out. Ray stared at his messed up hair, his half-lidded bloodshot eyes glaring back at him, while he listened to the water finally picking up.

With another sigh, he’d start his morning routine.

He began with a cupped splash of ice-cold water on his face that always seemed to dribble down his chin and drench the hem of his pajama collar. He’d repeat this two more times, picking at the eye boogers that had crusted overnight in between each splash. After roughly rubbing his face with his dry towel, Ray would pick up his toothbrush and their shared and, perpetually almost always empty, toothpaste - cap missing of course. It took roughly a minute to finish his teeth, less to fix up his hair. Before he shuffled out of the bathroom, he took his morning wiz and washed his hands with, the now, searing hot water.

Despite all of this, Ray hardly felt a tingle of energy outside the heavy exhaustion that seemed to try and immobilize him. With weighted fingers, he yanked off his shirt and shimmied out of his pants before carefully putting on his regulation peashooter uniform. With the light white cloth shirt on, he slipped on and adjusted his brown padding, which was then hidden as he struggled into his green jacket. He slipped on the worn out brown gloves that seemed to do nothing to stop the calluses from forming on his palms anyways, then put on his thick rimmed glasses before sitting down on Jack’s bed to put on his combat boots. He made sure to tuck in the cuffs of his combat pants inside them.

He stretched as he stood up, a low groan escaped from his chapped lips as his back gave a satisfying crack. He was nearly ready for food. He walked over to his corner where he kept his small stash of arsenal. He picked up a brown, leather strap and put it on before grabbing a small knife, several grenades, and strapping them in. He also grabbed a pistol, lots of magazines, and his baby: The PeaShooter. A M24 Sniper Rifle, sleek and sturdy – tarnished only by a yellow sticker with Ray’s name on it, placed by one Gavin Free who only had the sole intention of a cheap laugh. After he gently strapped it to its holder on his back, he grabbed the last item; a small, plastic, chipped four-leaf clover pin that he pinned on the left side of his jacket.

Now, he was ready for breakfast.

_Ray emerged from their shared bedroom, still tired from the sleepless night, and shuffled over to the side table where Michael and Gavin sat. As he quietly took his seat, Geoff, their new leader of the team and apparent chef, put down a fresh plate of steaming pancakes drenched in syrup and butter._

_“Thanks,” He mumbled, mildly surprised._

_“Eh, Can’t have you dicks starving out there,” Geoff smiled._

_“I was rather hoping for an Ol’ English Breakfast.” Gavin protested, despite taking another bite of his pancake._

_“What do you mean English? Is this not English enough for you?” Michael said, smiling even as he spoke with mock anger._

_“No, of course these aren’t! These are American.” Gavin bit back at Michael, the other rolling his eyes._

_“Yes, but the point is.” Michael's voice rose, gesturing to Geoff. “Who’d want a crummy ol’ English Breakfast, when you can enjoy Geoff’s tasty pancakes?”_

_Geoff’s ‘thank you Michael’ went unheard underneath Gavin’s snort. “I would.”_

_“Yes,” Michael deadpanned, jabbing his syrup-covered fork at Gavin. “But you’re an idiot.”_

_“Wot!” Gavin squawked._

_“Alright, dumbasses, that’s enough I don’t want syrup everywhere.” When it was clear that Gavin wasn’t listening, leaning closer to Michael while Michael looked nothing more than willing to smack his syrup covered pancake on Gavin’s face, Geoff snapped his spatula menacingly at the two and yelled. “Seriously, cut that shit out before I throw you both out of the flying van.”_

_Ray chuckled as the two finally settled back into their chairs, their bickering quieting but not stopping. Just as he stabbed into the pancake piece and lifted it to his mouth, Ray’s eyes caught sight of the time and, in a sudden wave, felt his appetite disappear._

_11:43am, it read._

_Hardly enough time to finish eating before they’d reach the destination, where he’ll finally be in his first battle – where they all as a team will work together for the first time._

_On one hand, Ray was excited._

_Ever since the invasion into New York, and sub sequentially New Jersey, he had dreamt of revenge for losing his home of nearly two decades. While the undead invasion had brought him to Michael and, in extension, the RoosterTeeth ‘Farm’ Organization, it had destroyed not only his native home, but also the family and friends that weren’t able to…make it._

_But, while he was eager to honor his fallen, the anxiety of battle seemed to overtake him. He tried to smile past the growing tension in his gut and shoved the forkful of mushy pancake in his mouth. Yet the usually sweet tang of delicious pancake tasted akin to dry sandpaper that scratched at his throat as he swallowed. At this point of nerves, Ray would have usually tried to crack a joke with Michael, but as he went to do so the van jolted and one of the other older members came from the front._

_“We’ve hit mild turbulence, but we’ll be landing in five minutes.” The Gent gestured behind him where their pilot sat. “Jack requests Gavin’s assistance as Co-Pilot, since he’s not engaging in active combat either today.”_

_“You heard the man,” Geoff said, waving his spatula at Gavin for good measure. “Get going.”_

_“But I haven’t finished eating!” Gavin pouted._

_“That’s why you don’t fuck around then,” Geoff snapped, shaking his head when Gavin frowned and, much like a toddler, carelessly dropped the plate and half-eaten pancake into their small sink. “You can throw a hissy fit up at the front, I doubt Jack will stand it Gav.”_

_Gavin waved over his shoulder, muttering obscenities, but hurried to the front._

_Ray took his second bite of his pancake and decided to eat later, picking up the dish to throw it into their refrigerator. Geoff was busy cleaning up while Michael came to help him, however since the room wasn’t that large, Ray had to awkwardly maneuver around Michael and closer to the dispatch door where the other Gent was standing._ _Ray shuffled next to him; back lightly touching the thin wall that separated them from the pilot room. He tapped his fingers nervously against his arm, stealing glances at the other man when he thought he wasn’t looking._

_“Nervous too?” Ray nearly jumped when the Gent spoke and looked up with mild surprise. The Gent’s smile seemed more sympathetic._

_“Me? Nervous? Never.” Ray smiled back, though with less calm than he wished. The Gent chuckled. “I’m, uh, shit with names. I know we met last night, but –“_

_“There really wasn’t that much time to talk before we had to fly off on our first mission.” The Gent finished and Ray nodded. “I’m Ryan Haywood, The SunFlower of the Group.”_

_So he was a healer, Ray thought and smiled. “Ray Narvaez Jr., Peashooter.”_

_“Pleasure.”_

_The two stood in seconds of silence staring ahead._

_“So, uh, what made you join the organization?” Ray glanced at Ryan, who frowned darkly. “To avenge my family.”_

_Ray felt a pang in his chest, thinking of his own father and mother, the chaos and not even getting the chance to say goodbye as he was dragged further away in the crowd._

_“You?”_

_“Same thing.”_

_They lapsed into uncomfortable silence._

_“Then again, this could all be a conspiracy.” Ryan muttered and Ray sharply glanced up, chuckling with slight surprise._

_“A conspiracy huh? What, are we the bad guys all along?” Ray played along._

_“Who knows, it’s like the cards, you see, people never ask questions about what’s been dealt.” Ryan nodded, a serious expression that nearly made Ray doubt Ryan was joking for a second._

_Ray internally jumped when Geoff started laughing loudly._

_“Seriously Ryan, Wing Commander? You’re such a nerd.”_

_“Wing Commander – like the video game?” Ray started to laugh, “Did you just quote a 1994 video game?”_

_Ryan grinned, flushing slightly. “Maybe I did, Maybe I didn’t.”_

_“Maybe Bullshit.” Geoff said proudly. Michael mimicked Geoff, crossing his arms and smirking. “Yeah, it takes a nerd to find a nerd.”_

_“Hey!”_

_“Sorry Geoff.” Michael softly put his hand on Geoff’s shoulder, Geoff looked away._

_“No,” Geoff sighed dramatically. “It’s true. I am a nerd.”_

_Ray couldn’t help but laugh, especially as Michael’s poker face started to crack into a big grin and Geoff’s giggles rose before the two erupted in laughter._

_“So, feeling better?” The question is spoken low so only Ray can hear and Ray looks up at Ryan. He hadn’t realized that his nerves had nearly disappeared so quickly, in fact he felt a spring of energy._

_He grinned._

_“Yeah.” He nudged Ryan softly. “Thanks.”_

_“Least I can do.”_

_“Alright Boys,” Geoff clapped his hands together, grinning madly. “It’s time to rumble. Grab your dicks because it’s Showtime!”_

“Is that all you’re going to eat? A fucking egg. At least add some toast Ray.” Michael glared at Ray’s plate, who Ray ignored as he stabbed into the small sunny side egg, partially burnt.

Michael rolled his eyes and Gavin frowned nervously glancing between his two friends before taking another deep sip from his coffee.

“Yeah,” Ray said after swallowing his first bite. “This is all I’m going to eat.” He jabbed on another piece of rubbery yolk, popping it in his mouth and swallowing the tasteless piece.

“Jesus Ray,” Michael muttered, frowning as Ray took another bite. “You have enough time to make more food.”

Ray just shrugged.

“Fucking hell, you are being such a dipshit.” Michael’s hand clenched his cup and, not for the second time, Gavin worried he’d break the glass. “You’ll be useless out there starving to fucking death. Eat!”

“I am.” Ray monotonously replied.

Michael seethed and Gavin placed a hand on his arm, but before he could say anything Geoff trudged in.

“Get ready, we’ll be landing in five minutes.” Geoff looked towards Gavin, frown deepening. “I’m trusting you to fly this alone Gavin, don’t break it.” It’s all Geoff had to say; Gavin nodded, taking it as his cue to leave with only one quick glance back at his friends before disappearing into the pilot room. Not a minute later, Jack emerged nervously fiddling with the hem of the standard Sunflower bomber jacket.

Jack frowned and cracked a small smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes. “Ace and Eights, captain?”

Geoff nodded, smile bitter and small, “Yeah, yeah, c’mon you queens.”

Ray stood, steadying himself against the table and holding the plate as the van suddenly lurched. He felt it descend, slightly shaky, but otherwise smooth. Ray let go of the plate with half intention to throw away the partially eaten egg and stepped up next to Michael, who stood behind Jack and Geoff, as they all stood in front of the dispatch door.

“You nervous?” Michael asked.

Ray paused, very still for a moment, before looking at Michael. 

“No.” 

Inside, he felt the familiar cold coil of mist and emptiness wrap around his intestines. Like a spider, it had quickly crawled through every dank and dark space, between his organs, through the diaphragm, covering everything in its path with a thick web until he wasn’t even sure he could feel his own heartbeat underneath its layers. It could pound and pound, but only a numb trill would tickle his chest. 

As he stood listening to Michael breathe quickly, tapping his thigh, and to Geoff muttering his plans to Jack, he found a strange eagerness within his smothering layers. The need to plant his feet on the battlefield again was so strong, he felt that it had taken far much longer than three minutes for the van to land and the doors to slide open with a shrill screech.

He stepped out, feeling the gush of hot wind blow up his jacket and hair as Gavin lifted the van up once everyone was out, and breathed in deep.

It was nearly time.

_Ray tilted his head up and watched the van lift above their heads until the cumulonimbus clouds obscured it completely. His head snapped back down to look at Geoff, unease settling in his gut as he took in the deserted town behind him. It made him more anxious that his gun was still strapped to his back._

_“ Sir? Shouldn’t we have our guns out?” Ray glanced at Ryan, who’s fingers seemed to be inching towards his standard shotgun. Geoff waved him off._

_“The horde hasn’t been alerted yet.” Geoff shrugged carelessly, “Usually aren’t until the ‘Garden’ is planted. We have plenty of time.”_

_Geoff made a face, “But that does remind me…” He pulled off his brown bag, crouching down as he unbuttoned and untied the top strap. Inside, Ray could spy a few packs of extra ammo, knives, grenades, and...was that C4? Before Ray could see more, Geoff closed the strap, tying it back up, before standing up with a grunt and opening his palm._

_“Earbuds and mic pieces,” The pieces were small and oddly color-coded, Geoff handed the purple earpiece and speaker to Michael. “Put these on, we’ll need them for communication in battle. Jack’s on the same line, so he’ll be able to give us coordinates on any incoming.”_

_Ray muttered thanks as he took his red piece set, quickly putting it in and on. He could hear the crackle of the radio immediately in his ear._

_“Our first job is to plant the Garden, but in order to do that, we need to find the most tactical location here.” Once everyone had their pieces in and on, Geoff did the same._

_“The minute we plant that bomb, the horde will know we're here and then the fight starts.”_

_“Sir?” Ray started softly, Geoff hummed lightly and looked at him. “Wouldn’t it be safer to just plant the bomb and leave?”_

_“Sounds like it would be.” Geoff sighed, before snorting. “Its design requires nearly half an hour to prepare before it will destruct.”_

_“Why?” Michael abruptly asked._

_“Otherwise, if it goes off prematurely, it will destroy all living vegetation.” Geoff shrugged, “I don’t know how it does it, but when it explodes at the correct time, it only destroys the non-living or the once-living.”_

_Geoff glanced behind him, gesturing to the abandoned houses below. “All that will be gone, but the plants and life necessary to start over won’t be.”_

_He looked back at the three, indifferent expression shifting into a glare and frown. “Now, are we going to waste more time talking or can we get back to work?”_

_There was a discordant chorus of ‘back to work, sir’ before Geoff continued._

_“Anyways, to find the best tactical position, we’re going to split into two teams.” Geoff pointed towards Ray. “Ray and Ryan will be Team Bravo while Michael and I are Team Alpha.”_

_“Team Bravo will explore the East side of the town while Alpha handles the West. If you think you found the perfect spot,” Geoff pointed to his mic for emphasis. “Tell Jack, he’ll look up your coordinates and send them to us.”_

_“Like a glorified GPS?”_

_“Exactly Michael.”_

_“Take a left on you guys suck.” Jacks voice crackled in._

_Geoff barked out a laugh, grinning, “Suck it up dumbass.” Jack just sighed, muttering under his breath. “You suck.”_

_Ray smirked. “Fucking got ‘em!”_

_He smiled when he heard Jack (and Gavin distantly) laugh, though it was hard when he could also hear the chuckles from his other teammates through the earpiece, before laughing along._

_“Alright, let’s get this over with.” Geoff started walking down the west side of the hill towards the small town. He gestured over his shoulder. “C’mon Michael.”_

_Michael nervously smiled towards Ray, giving him a thumb up, before jogging after their leader. Ray looked towards Ryan and grinned._

_“Let’s go.”_

_So far, they had yet to find anything._

_“Maybe we should try the south side, closer to the water?” Ray looked over to where Ryan was, but was surprised to find the Gent missing. “Ryan?” Where the hell did that man disappear?_

_“Ryan, seriously, don’t be a dick and come out, where are you?” Ray glanced nervously around, the need to wield his rifle rising. “Ryan-“_

_“Over in the house Ray.” The reply was quick and sounded nearly apologetic, Ray snorted in annoyance. “Why are you in a house?”_

_He glanced around the houses, they all looked the same. Fucking hell. “Which house are you in Ryan?”_

_“The one with an open door.” Responded Ryan._

_Right. Ray rolled his eyes and looked around again, relieved to find that the house two doors down had an open door._

_“Why are you in a house, Ryan?” Ray asked again, quickly walking over to the driveway._

_“Curious.”_

_“That’s a really poor reason.” Ray sighed, annoyed, as he slipped through the door frame and down the hall. “Which room are you- Oh, hey.” Ray stopped short, nearly running straight into Ryan who had been standing in the living room entrance way._

_“Hey.” Ryan returned, though his attention was focused on the pictures framed on the walls. Ray glanced at one of the frames, a family portrait, and grimaced when he saw a young girl smiling back – he quickly shifted his attention elsewhere._

_“What the hell are you doing?” Ray asked loudly, frowning when Ryan shrugged._

_“Exploring, I guess.” Ray’s frown deepened._

_“Right. And I guess we’re not in the middle of a battle.”_

_Ryan looked back at Ray and made a pointed expression. “We’re not – the battle hasn’t started yet.”_

_“Cusp of battle then,” Ray glared. “Either way, I doubt there's time for this.”_

_“I’d beg to differ,” Ryan started, but Ray’s groan quickly cut him off. “No, no. We are not doing this – I am not going to debate with you over something so stupid.”_

_“It’s not stupid.”_

_“Yes, this is very stupid.”_

_Ray and Ryan glared at each other, before Ryan turned his back and stepped further into the house, walking towards the table. Ray let out another groan, crossed between leaving the stubborn old bull of a man here or staying. Since he wasn’t sure how Geoff would react to him leaving his partner, he reluctantly stayed and waited. Just not quietly._

_“So, what, you’ve got a side quest to find the Holy Grail or something?” Ray asked, glaring as Ryan continued to look around the deserted living room._

_“Yes, you found me out.” Ryan muttered. “I’m actually an illuminati sent undercover to find the Holy Grail and take it back to my blood thirsting cult. Now I’m going to have to kill you.”_

_Ray rolled his eyes, but couldn’t help but snort lightly. “You’re fucking weird.”_

_Ryan just grinned back, before returning to the shelves. He gave a light hum._

_“So, why did you really come in here? Bad jokes aside.”_

_Ryan shrugged and didn’t answer at first. He picked up a dusty jacket, too small for an adult, and rubbed the fabric between his thumb and pointer finger._

_“I just wanted to see who lived here before we destroy it.” Ryan spoke softly, picking up the jacket. “Just interesting to see what they left behind.”_

_“They’re dead, it doesn’t really matter anymore right?” Ray shuffled awkwardly, trying his hardest not to think of the girl smiling in the picture._

_“I’d think it make it matter more, really.” Ryan shrugged. “How did they live? Who were they like? How loved they must have been?” His voice was so quiet by the end as a pained, dark look flickered in his eyes for a second. He cleared his throat._

_“But that’s just me.” He said louder, his smile forced and small._

_Ray shrugged, shifting weight from one foot to the other. “It’s not like you’re going to remember them for long. You don’t even know their names.”_

_Ryan nodded, plucking an old pin off the jacket and gently set the jacket back on the counter chair. He finally looked towards Ray. “True, but I’d like to think someone else would do the same if they went into my house.” He pinned it to his jacket. “Respect the life left behind and take something to build on your own legacy.”_

_Ray went silent, looking over Ryan and considering his words._

_“So,” Ray paused, eyes flickering up in thought. “You’re stealing.”_

_Ryan opened his mouth to protest but Ray stopped him. “And you’re a giant cliché.”_

_Ryan blinked._

_“What?”_

_“Look, Rye all I heard was one giant spiel straight out of some B-rated chick flick.” Ray smirked. “ Don’t tell me you’re a hopeless romantic?” He grinned then laughed when Ryan’s face flushed._

_“I can’t help it if I’m articulate about how I feel.” Ryan stuttered and Ray laughed._

_“Clearly.”_

_Ryan opened his mouth when the radio crackled and Geoff’s voice came on. “We found the place; get your asses over here.”_

_“Got it boss.” Ryan responded promptly. The two shared a look before quickly walking out of the house. In the street, they waited as Ryan patiently listened to Jack relay the coordinates back to Alpha’s position. With his attention unoccupied,_ _Ray glanced back down the street towards the house and considered Ryan’s words. He clicked his tongue; it wouldn't hurt to try._

_He clenched his hands and tried to imagine how life must have been before._

_He could almost see the dilapidated cars as nearly new, driving down or parked in the street. He can practically hear the distant screams of children playing in their backyards; smell the charred scent of hamburgers and hot dogs grilling for lunch, someone loudly playing the radio in the garage. A blue blur shoots from behind him and he watches the girl in the blue jacket ride her bike without care down the street. Her smile is wide, her hair whips behind her, until she eventually slows down and pulls into the house’s driveway. Her head turns to look back at him, but the sun’s light is in his way and all he can see is her smile. Maybe she’d have waved too, but she’s gone before she had the chance._

_Now, there was only a rusted, broken bike on the side of the driveway as if it had been run over by a car during some mad rush (and likely, Ray thought, that had happened) and the empty street where the house sat._

_Ray blinked and turned around towards Ryan. “What was that again?”_

_“You ready to go?” Ryan asked with a concerned look._

_Ray’s eyes trailed down from Ryan’s face, resting on the clover pinned to his jacket. He nodded._

_“Yeah,” Ray looked up and smiled. “I’m good.”_

Jack stared out from the top of the mound, breathing in deeply while shielding his eyes from the sun. “What a beautiful view.” He breathed out, shaking his head lightly. “Too bad it’s all going to be destroyed.”

Ray looked out, taking in the beach homes that hugged the hills and overlooked the clear ocean side. “It’ll still be beautiful.” He said and shrugged. “ The village will just be gone.”

“It’s just a shame,” Jack slipped down the mound to Ray waiting in the street. “All this effort and history, all gone in a snap.”

“It happens.”

Jack glanced at Ray, lifting a brow. “But aren’t you curious to see what was left behind?”

Ray flinched, then sneered. “It doesn’t matter anymore does it?” He glared ahead, hand clenching. “Everyone is dead.”

“Jesus Ray,” Jack said, taken aback by Ray’s coldness. He shifted his gun and sped his pace, slightly. “I was just asking.”

Ray sighed at Jack’s hurt voice, picking up his pace as well and rubbing the back of his head. “Look, I just, I didn’t mean to snap.” Jack just stared straight ahead.

Ray continued.

“It’s just, it’s been hard ever since-“ He stopped himself, even as Jack titled his head to look at him. He took in a breath and fiddled with his pin. “Sometimes I think about it and when I do…I don’t find it helpful.”

“Oh,” Was all that Jack muttered.

They fell into silence.

Ray shivered, despite the hot sun bearing down on him and burning the road underneath his feet, as his mind circled elsewhere. His gaze settled on the asphalt that stretched ahead of them, but really all he could see was a flash of clear blue eyes that rivaled the beautiful ocean beside them.

“Ray! I think I found a place.”

Ray was shaken from his thoughts and looked up to see where Jack was. It was a clear space cradled between the large arching rocks and the sea crashing behind it. It was perfect because there was only one direction the dead could come from.

“Nice,” He complimented, leisurely walking towards a beaming Jack. “Why don’t you call Gavin and hopefully he won’t fuck up the coordinates.”

Jack rolled his eyes. “Here’s to hoping.”

_“Fuck, I can’t believe it’s already been two years.” Geoff rubbed his face, before taking a large swig of his cheap beer._

_“I know, feels like ten after sharing such little space with you assholes.” Michael smirked, lifting his own bottle as Jack laughed._

_“God, once this war is over, I’m never sharing a living space with any of you guys again.” Jack groaned, Geoff smirked behind his bottle. “But Jack,” Geoff started, widening his eyes in mock pain. “I thought you loved sharing a room with me?”_

_“God no!”_

_“You know, that really hurts me deeply.” Geoff whined, free hand pressed against his chest. “Michael loves sharing a room with me.”_

_Michael snorted, grinning. “With all due respect sir, I don’t.”_

_Ray laughed, sipping on his glass of water. Gavin stretched beside him, his legs propped onto Michael’s lap despite the look of annoyance Michael shot him. “Micool, do you like sharing a bed with me?”_

_“No, you kick and steal all the blankets.” Michael curtly responded, before roughly pushing Gavin’s legs off his lap._

_“Micool please.”_

_“Where’s Ryan?” Jack interrupted. Geoff shrugged and Michael looked towards Ray – who in turn raised an eyebrow. He blinked when he realized that Gavin and Jack were too._

_“What?” He asked._

_“Well,” Michael crossed his arms. “Where is Ryan?”_

_“Yeah, aren’t you and Ryan like –“ Gavin crossed his fingers together and Ray sighed. “You sure you aren’t mistaking you and Michael?” Ray bit back, which Gavin grinned in return. “Nah we’re more like-“ Gavin made a hole and proceeded to stick his pointer finger into it, moving his eyebrows up and down for good measure._

_“Gross,” Jack leaned away, “Things I didn’t want to imagine.”_

_“Why are you imagining that Jack?” Michael asked, “You into that? Sorry to inform you, but this is a Team Nice Dynamite only relationship – no beards allowed.”_

_“Thank God.”_

_“Okay, so that aside, where’s Ryan?” Geoff asked._

_“I’m not his fucking keeper,” Ray muttered under his breath, before clearing his throat. “He went outside, like twenty minutes ago. He told us he had to step out.”_

_Michael frowned, pushing Gavin’s legs off for the second time (only to have them back on – with a groan he left it alone). “He’s been out there for awhile.”_

_“Besides,” Jack added. “We’ll have to lift off soon again if we’re going to make it to the next battle.”_

_Michael gestured towards Ray. “Why don’t you get him? I would, but” Michael waved towards Gavin’s legs in his lap. “I’ve got an idiot’s legs on me.”_

_Ray sighed. “Whatever, you’re all lazy bastards.”_

_“Guilty as charged!” Geoff shouted just as Ray opened and slipped through the door._

_Their bellows were cut off when Ray shut it._

_He took in a deep breath of the chilled night air that breezed through him; he could just smell the musk of the river water that was rushing a few miles away from where he stood, with specs of dirt, grass, and an indiscernible aroma that, together, smelt like natural earth. It smelt nothing like home, yet it still made his heart calm as a rare sense of harmony washed over him._

_His trance was broken by a low hum coming from above. Ray looked up and grinned when he spotted Ryan’s foot poking from the top of the van. He walked over and climbed up the side ladder, clambering carefully onto the roof. Ryan was sprawled with his arms spread like wings and eyes closed in an expression of utter relaxation, breathing in deeply, that made Ray wonder if he had fallen asleep. However, as Ray carefully walked over to Ryan, roof creaking with each step, and sat quietly down next to him, Ryan opened his eyes._

_“Hey Ray,” Ryan spoke; voice low, a smile growing on his face._

_“You’re missing the party,” Ray murmured, “Everyone’s asking where you went off to.”_

_Ryan hummed. “I’m sure I am.” His gaze shifted away from Ray’s and back up to the stars. “Luckily, you found me.”_

_“Luckily,” Ray stretched, checking behind him, before lying next to Ryan. “They’re all too lazy to come outside and drag us back in to watch them get smashed.” Ray closed his eyes. “So we’ve got time.”_

_Ryan hummed again._

_Ray listened to Ryan breath in and out; he tried to match his pace just as the wind lightly caressed his cheeks and as his eyes slowly slipped shut._

_“Do you think we’ll ever see them again?” Ryan had asked so softly that he wasn’t sure if Ray heard him. Ray opened his eyes, glancing at Ryan who still was searching the stars above._

_“Maybe…” His voice was quieter, smaller, and he swallowed. “You?”_

_Ryan stared at a shooting star that blinked above them and disappeared._

_“…They’re up there, in the stars, shinning and burning.” Ryan went quiet again, licking his lips. “One day, I’ll be in the sky and I’ll see my children again. It’ll be in another time, another place, and all of this will be just a dream.”_

_Ray breathed in, looking up at the sky. “Here I thought you were going to say nightmare.” Ray muttered, humorlessly chuckling lightly at his own joke. Ryan shifted his head to look at Ray, smiling._

_“Well, I met you. Not much of a nightmare there.”_

_Ray felt his face warm, he looked back at Ryan and smiled back. “Yeah, you aren’t such a bad dream either.”_

_He looked back up at the stars and breathed out. “Do you think we’ll run into each other up there?”_

_Ryan went quiet and Ray counted the stars._

_4, 5, 6, 7-_

_“It’s pretty expansive up there,” Ryan murmured and Ray felt his heart drop._

_“Oh.” Was all he said._

_“It might take a while,” Ryan continued. “But we’ll find each other.”_

 

_Ray's eyes widened and felt his face heat up. He must had a strange look on his face because Ryan gave a short laugh. He shook his own head, a light smile on his lips, and looked over at Ryan. Ryan was smiling widely, a flush to his cheeks, eyes closed as he could feel the smooth rumble of his laugh_ _reverberate and when it stopped; Ryan opened his blue eyes._

_He looked beautiful._

_Lying next to him, in this short moment, Ray had to smile and nearly laugh at how funny and unexpected things turned out to be. They hadn’t been instant friends like Michael and Gavin, he had still clung to the back of the wall and kept his distance through his lack of words, yet somehow in the two years of blurred gun fire, frustration, tears, and laughter; they had become close-friends. And he loved him._

_“I never realized you loved me so much, Rye.” Ray grinned, joking, even as his heart pounded away._

_At first, Ryan chuckled, low and soft, but the mirth in his eyes were not the only emotion as he stared back almost lovingly. Or, so Ray could dream._

_“It’s okay, I have that charming affect on everyone – it’s why I never get laid.” Ray joked, eyes tearing away to stare back up at the stars. He gulped._

_“I do.”_

_Ray blinked. What._

_“I do love you.”_

_What. Wait. What._

_Ray quickly looked at Ryan, eyes widening at the sincerity and love and Ray’s dry mouth opened, but was speechless._

_“Ray,” Ryan slowly shuffled closer, fingers lightly touching Ray’s hand. “Can I kiss you?”_

_Ray stared, opening and closing his mouth then blinked. “I think I’ve fallen asleep on the van’s roof.”_

_Ryan laughed lightly. “I’m pretty sure you haven’t. Though if you have, I hope it’s been a pleasant dream.”_

_“Oh, it has.” Ray muttered, hand moving to clasp Ryan’s. “Shame it’s just a dream.”_

_“Doesn’t have to be,” Ryan whispered, leaning closer, eyes half lidded._

_Ray softly closed his eyes and leaned forward until he felt Ryan’s lips press against his own in a chaste kiss._

_“I love you too.” Ray whispered as he pulled away, his breath still mixing with Ryan’s._

_With his left hand still holding Ryan’s hand, his right hand cupped his face, thumb gently stroking his cheek and Ray smiled. “I’ve dreamt of this for so long.” He leaned forward and slowly kissed Ryan, long and soft._

_“Mmm, who’s the clichéd one now?” Ryan whispered, turning on his side and wrapping his free arm around Ray’s waist._

_Ray groaned. “You fucking kidding me? We both are.” He laughed. “I’ve got the cheesy virus from you. Oh god, I’m going to be spouting movie quotes now aren’t I?”_

_Ryan lightly poked Ray’s side. “Shut up, you love me for it.” Ryan grinned. “At least it’s not puns.”_

_“Oh god, don’t even joke about that.” Ray swatted Ryan’s shoulder, before lightly caressing his neck. “Would have been a deal breaker here.”_

_“Lucky for me then.” Ryan murmured before pressing another kiss, longer and less soft than the last two. Ray hummed, shifting so that his legs were between Ryan’s and let go of his hand so he could better press himself against Ryan’s chest._

_The two broke away with pants, before Ray pressed harder against Ryan with a low groan. Before Ryan could capture Ray in another heated kiss, Ray pressed his mouth against his neck – sucking and lightly biting. He’d kiss each spot, reveling in the soft sighs Ryan emitted, until trailing up his chin and back to his mouth._

_Ray moaned into the kiss when he felt Ryan rake his fingers through his hair, arching against Ryan, and felt the heat pool between them (especially when Ryan moaned like that, Ray thought)._

_“Oh Hell Fucking No!” Michael shouted, startling Ryan enough to pull away (and for Ray to whine softly for that loss). “You two are not having sex on the fucking roof – are you idiots? Fuck!”_

_Michael glared at them both from his spot on the ladder. “Get the fuck inside now you horny bastards.” He doesn’t leave them time to respond, Michael quickly jumped off and Ray winced at the sound of the door slamming shut behind him._

_They sat up, still close, and Ray is the first to laugh._

_“In hindsight, the roof is a pretty shit place for make-out sessions with your boyfriend.” Ryan said, giggling._

_Ray was practically beaming, his hand finding Ryan’s and squeezing. “I hear the bed’s a better place for that.”_

_“They’d kill us.” Ryan said, a diabolical look in his eyes. “But I like how you think.”_

_A loud thumb from below startled them both and Ray glared down. “Impatient shits.”_

_“We should get going then.” Ryan stood up, helping Ray up as well._

_The two shared another sweet chaste kiss underneath the sky full of stars before heading inside._

Geoff must be furious with him, Ray thought as he hissed through his teeth while trying to stem the blood gushing from his side. Geoff always hated when one of them got seriously injured, especially against his command. He could almost spare a chuckle at just the thought of Geoff, red-faced with anger, storming towards him with all intents to suffocate him. But Ray knew Geoff too well, well enough to know that he’d rather soon curse and dote on him than follow through on his empty threats. Instead, he let out a sharp gasp, as another ripple of pain tore through him, so intense that he could see black spots in his vision. His head felt so weighted, he was finding it a struggle to keep it up, especially as he spotted a blurry figure shuffling towards him. Zombie? He wasn’t sure yet.

He let out another curse; Yes, Geoff wasn’t going to be happy. He was sure that if his headsets weren’t brutally ripped out by a fucking mutated zombie, he’d be hearing Geoff scream at him for being a dickless idiot. Ray squinted, even as his vision only seemed to get more blurred, darker. Was it a zombie? Everyone seemed to move at the same pace and the sound has long since gone deaf for him – ever since that gigantor of a zombie had backhanded him across the fucking lot.

Good thing the sharp rock wall caught him.

He let out another pained moan, letting his head loll to the side as his eyelids seemed to heavily fall down. His side was burning numb, his fingers coldly wet, yet he just felt oddly tired. The blurry figure was nearly on him, just a few more feet away at this point, but Ray could do nothing but smile as his hazy mind finally shut down blissfully.

_“You fucking asshole.”_

_“It was an accident I swear.”_

_Ray looked ready to punch Ryan in the face, if Ryan wasn’t already dressed in bandages. “Are you trying to get killed?”_

_“Never!”_

_At least he had the fucking audacity to look offended at the idea; Ray was not placated still as he continued to glare at Ryan. “You are such a fucking idiot.”_

_“Yes, but I am your idiot?” Ryan tried to cutely grin up at Ray, but that was quickly lost when nauseous expression flickered through._

_“I swear if you throw up on me…” Ray backed up, reaching for the bucket, but Ryan waved for him to stop._

_“Vertigo, that’s all.” Ryan opened one eye, squinting up at Ray with a small smile. “It’s gone now.”_

_“You are a fucking liar and an asshole.”_

_“Ray, I’m hurt!”_

_“Good.”_

_Ryan pouted. “Now that’s just cruel and here I was hoping you’d give me a kiss to get better.”_

_Ray plastered his biggest smile, overdone and so fake that Ryan flinched uncomfortably, and in a sickeningly sweet voice, Ray leant forward. “Oh, my poor baby, do you want me to give you love?”_

_Hesitantly, Ryan nodded, slightly scared._

_Ray’s sickly sweet expression dropped. “Tough shit, next time don’t fucking rush into battle and make a dumbass decision Geoff specifically said Not to do –“ He holds up a finger when Ryan opened his mouth to protest. “Which not only failed, but got you seriously hurt.”_

_Finally, Ray let out a weary sigh, rubbing his face. “A fucking concussion, Jesus.” He felt so old, so tired, his shoulders slumped and his hand fell back on his lap, only for Ryan to weakly take it in his on. Idly, Ray rubbed his thumb over Ryan’s palm. “You were lucky, you know that?”_

_“All in the pin?” The joke was flat and Ray just lightly glared, Ryan muttered sorry and Ray shook his head. “Have you even taken this, for once, seriously? This isn’t the movies, Ryan, you can die.”_

_“I know that Ray,” Ryan squeezed Ray’s hand, voice low and gentle, eyes apologetic. Ray’s gaze shifted to his lap, refusing to let this go so easily because of a pair of baby blues. “Do you, really?”_

_Ryan let out a sigh, but Ray shook his head. “Don’t, Rye. You tell me all this shit, talk so large, but you play low and dangerous. What are you trying to prove?”_

_“That you’re above the rules?”_

_“Ray…”_

_“That you don’t care about your life?”_

_“Ray, please listen I-“_

_“Why are you so willing to throw all of this away!-“_

_“Ray!” Ryan shouted._

_Ray frowned, but quieted while still refusing to look at Ryan. He felt Ryan’s hand squeeze his again, loose and with barely any force. He was weak._

_“It’s not going to happen again, okay? I’ll listen next time. I promise.”_

_“That’s not good enough.” Ray muttered._

_Ryan tugged lightly at Ray’s hand until Ray finally looked at him, he smiled as strongly as he could. He tried to lift his other hand, but stopped when he realized an inch or two was all he could manage. “Behind you,” He instructed instead. “Grab my jacket.”_

_Ray gave him a look, but stood up and walked to Ryan’s little corner in the bedroom that held his arsenal, medicinal herbs and packs, and clothes. Draped loosely on top his shotgun was his stained bomber’s jacket, standard Sunflower wear. Ray walked back and gently laid it on top of Ryan’s chest, clasping their hands again. Ryan let go of Ray’s hand to slowly search the front of his jacket._

_He let out a hum of success and let go of the jacket, which slumped back onto his chest, before smiling at Ray._

_“Hold my hand, please.” Ray snorted, but lightly smiled back and re-clasped their hands together, only to find something metallic pressing between the palms._

_Ray furrowed his brows in confusion, breaking the hold to inspect the item. He stared, before raising a brow at Ryan. “What.”_

_“I promise on my new lucky legacy that I will be careful, through fire bombs and gnashing teeth, I will survive to see you.” He had said this without a grin, nor the barest hint of a smile, and Ray realized it had been spoken with the upmost severity and sincerity._

_So Ray stared, long, hard, but Ryan didn’t waver, he looked back at the item in his hand. “You’re fucking kidding me.”_

_“Not the slightest.” He wasn’t. Fuck._

_“Ryan…”_

_“Yes Ray?”_

_“This is a fucking pin.” For emphasis, Ray nearly shoved the chipped, plastic clover in Ryan’s face. “That you stole from a dead girl’s jacket. You aren’t swearing on this.”_

_“I am.” He said it so proudly, so smug. That bastard, Ray thought._

_“You are not! How is this good enough?”_

_Ryan’s expression darkened and, if Ryan wasn’t hurt and Ray wasn’t mad, Ray could nearly say he’d have been aroused and frightened. Mostly aroused. That was beside the point. Focus Ray, he mentally chided especially as Ryan started to try and sit up with effort._

_“It depends on who sees it and how it is seen.” Ryan smoothly said, this time stopping Ray from protesting with one strong look. Ray closed his mouth. “For you, for the other guys, it’s nothing more than an old, used, pin.”_

_“Trash.” Ray mumbled._

_“Right.” Ryan said pointedly. “But for me,” He emphasized me, giving Ray a very particular stare. “I don’t see that.”_

_“Of course you don’t.” Ray said under his breath._

_“Ray.”_

_“Fine.”_

_Ryan paused, closing his eyes as another wave of vertigo hit him before he continued. “For me, it’s a potential, a promise for something more.” He looked at the pin, before looking back up at Ray. “With that pin, I made my own luck. Battered and bruised that I may become, I’d never be broken. That was what it was to me.”_

_He cleared his throat, face heating lightly. “Just like, how I saw you.” At that, Ray titled his head, frowned, and leaned back. Did Ryan just…_

_Ryan quickly interjected. “I’m not comparing you to trash.”_

_“I didn’t say that.”_

_“I know what you were thinking Ray.” He smiled, but it dropped as he became serious once more. “I saw you as a teammate when I met you and then a friend, and now I see you as my love. That pin, it’s not just a promise to live through this war, it’s a promise that after this war, I’ll live the rest of my life with you.”_

_Ray blinked, stunned, speechless as his hand tightened around the pin. Ryan simply smiled wide, lovingly. “I love you.”_

_Ray made a low noise; if anyone else had been in the room with them, Gavin might have exclaimed that it sounded like a rabbit squeaking in surprise (And then Ray might have actually punched him), Michael may have joked that the sound of gay was escaping him, Jack would just say it was his soul, Geoff would likely have just laughed at him, luckily it was only the two of them so he only had to deal with Ryan’s pleased chuckles._

_If he was in a clearer state, he’d tell Ryan to shove it, but…_

_“Did you just propose to me, shut up?”_

_…He was not._

_“Wait, that didn’t come out right…” Ray mumbled under Ryan’s outburst of laughter, he couldn’t even feign a glare though as a newfound energy built inside him. He lightly pushed Ryan’s shoulder, hands trembling. “I demand answers.”_   
_“Aren’t I supposed to be quiet-“_

_“Ryan…” Ray practically growled._

_“Yes.”_

_It was a simple answer and, even though he was expecting it, Ray wasn’t expecting it. Like standing in the middle of the train tracks, knowing that the six o’clock train was going to be rushing past that corner any second and still being surprised when it does and runs you straight over. Except this involved less blood and he wasn’t dead. Also, trains no longer run and the overgrown foliage already likely destroyed any tracks left in this plagued world. But, details._

_“Ray?” Ryan was giving him a concerned look. “Did you hear me?”_

_He snapped out of his daze, blinking at Ryan. “Yes.”_

_“And?”_

_Ray thought it over and breathed in. Likely channeling his inner romantic, Ryan mused. “You’re a dork.” Ah, there’s that romantic._

_“Ray,” Ryan whined, softly smiling._

_“Seriously, you are a cliché from start to finish.” Ray shook his head, unable to stop grinning. “It’s ridiculous.”_

_“You love it.”_

_“I love you.”_

_Ryan was grinning along, Ray leaned forward until their foreheads softly pressed together._

_“So is that a yes?” Ryan whispered, to which Ray lightly giggled._

_“God this is so gay,” He closed his eyes and laughed lightly. “We are so gay.”_

_Ryan smiled. “I’ll take that as a yes.” Before he pressed a kiss on Ray’s lips._

_Ray muttered one more ‘gay’ before kissing back and the two were lost in tender kisses of promises of their future life beyond the war._

“You fucking asshole!”

Ray felt like he had just been punched in the face as he let out another groan, eyes fluttering closed before opening again. “God, not so loud.” He rasped, trying to turn on his side before nearly screaming at the sharp pain.

“Don’t you move around you dumbass,” Strong hands pressed down on his shoulder to still him, Ray whimpered at another shock of pain. “Sit still, god you’ll open the stitches again.”

He hissed, trying to express all his pain and annoyance in a fierce squint at, who’s hands are those, Jack. Towards Jack. So far, despite his best efforts, his hands did not remove their pressure.

“Is he awake?” He heard Michael voice again, he didn’t sound happy. “I’m going to punch his face in.”

“Michael, don’t make me remove you.” Geoff threatened. Michael grumbled unhappily.

“Ray,” Jack’s voice loudly spoke above him, “How do you feel?”

Like shit. But his tongue was thick so he gurgled unhappily. He closed his eyes, before gradually opening them and strained against the light before he finally adjusted.

“Try that again Ray.”

He let out another groan. “Like shit.” He dragged out the ‘it’, glaring at Jack.

“That’s entirely you’re fault, you little fuck. What did I tell you!?” Geoff yelled from next to him, Jack tried to hush him, but Geoff wasn't having it. “Shut up Jack.”

“Not to run ahead,” Ray muttered, licking his lips. “I thought I could take out the gravestone on my own.”

“Obviously you fucking didn’t!” Michael shouted from somewhere behind Geoff.  
“Michael, you shut up too, I’ll handle this.” Geoff looked back down at Ray. “Obviously, you fucking didn’t.” Geoff picked up; Michael rolled his eyes.

“Jack, is he stable?” Geoff looked towards Jack, who nodded.

“Despite some blood loss and a definite scar, he’ll be up and ready to fight by tomorrow with the medicine I have him on.”

Geoff nodded, pleased. “You’re dismissed. Thanks Jack.”

“You’re welcome,” He tried to smile at Ray, but it fell through. “Feel better Ray.” With that soft wish, Jack left the bedroom.

“Michael, you too.” He heard Michael snort. “Michael, I order you to leave now.”

Whatever Michael might have send, wasn’t, and he heard Michael curse as he walked away. “Close the door!” Geoff shouted.

There was only a slam in response.

The minute he heard the slam, Geoff literally slumped as Ray watched all the anger leave him. He let out a very deep sigh before sitting on the side of Ray’s bed. Ray shifted uncomfortably as tense silence descended between them. When he wasn’t sure he could take more of it, Geoff finally started to speak – slow, low, and tired.

“Ray when I met you, you were this nervous kid barely able to swallow past a single bite of my pancakes. You looked about ready to shit yourself before the battle even started.” He cracked a weak chuckle. “Now, you are among the top skilled sharp shooters, not just in this team, but in the whole organization. You might not have the,” He gestured to his own books sitting in his corner. “Most book smart and shit. But you are smart, very quick, and have experience.”

“Thanks Geoff…I think.” Ray muttered. Geoff pointed at Ray, still serious.

“Shut up, I’m not done.” He made a face, titling his head. “But today, that was, by far, the stupidest thing you’ve ever done.” He shook his head.

“And I know you’re fucking lying because we both know that gravestone wouldn’t have been taken done with only one shooter in a swarmed zone.”  Geoff rubbed his face again. “Which tells me that you did that _intentionally_. Ray, I just…”

He looked at Ray with his weary eyes and Ray flinched.

“Why?”

Ray looked away, biting his lip, not saying anything. It confirmed what Geoff feared.

“Ray, in three words I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life: it goes on.”

“Poetic.” Ray mumbled miserably.

“Thanks, it’s by Robert Frost.” Geoff shrugged, before continuing. “The point of it is that no matter what happens, time will keep ticking. Life will move on. As you live, you love,” His voice dropped. “You lose,” his voice picked up. “And you can’t linger. You just have to let go.”

Ray shook his head, voice shaky and low. “I can’t.”

“You have to. Letting go,” He gave another sigh. “It doesn’t mean you’ve stopped loving him, it means you choose to continue to live.”

Ray continued to lightly shake his head, he felt so weak, so empty, and he knew Geoff could hear the cracks in his voice. “I can’t Geoff.” He drew in a shaky breath. “I was going to spend the rest of my life with him.”

Geoff placed a comforting hand on Ray’s arm. Ray took in breath, trying to be stronger, to not break in front of Geoff. “I’m sorry, but holding onto this weight will only create more demons.” He patted Ray’s arm. “Unless you can forgive yourself, what happened, and let it all go, you’ll never move forward.”

Ray just stared at the wall.

“Please Ray, I need you to move forward.”

Ray closed his eyes and heard Geoff sigh. “Get well buddy.” And then the weight on Ray’s bed lifted and Geoff was gone.

_“I will survive for you.”_

 

“How are you feeling?” Ray looked up from where was sitting, before looking away from Michael.

“Like shit.” He admitted, carefully yanking up his boot before lacing it. “Jack’s medicine tastes horrible.”

“It's effective.” Michael walked towards Ray, careful not sit on his jacket lying on the bed. “You sure you don’t want to sit out on this battle? Now that the hordes been alerted, it’s going to be a whole lot rougher than last time.”

Ray nodded. “I’ll survive.”

“What about live?” Michael asked.

He shrugged, not looking Michael in the eye as he started to slip the jacket on. “Same thing.”

“It really isn’t.”

“Look, if you’re going to give me some lecture, I’m sorry to inform you but Geoff beat you to it.” Ray snapped. He buttoned it up, before standing up and heading to his corner. He heard Michael snort behind him.

“You’re lucky he did, I was going to punch you, I was so mad.” Michael stared at Ray’s back. “So worried.” He spoke lowly. He watched Ray put on the strap, watched as his best friend clipped on the knives, the grenades, the ammo – his rifle – and he felt his chest tighten. His frown deepened.

“I’m not going to give you a speech,” Michael said, “But you aren’t the only one hurting.”

Ray picked up the pin, feeling anger swell inside him. Michael just lost a friend. Ray, no, he not only lost his friend, but his future. He clenched the pin.

“It doesn’t compare, I know.” Michael’s soft voice surprised him, and he loosened his grip. “I just, I don’t want you to magically get better Ray.”

“Oh great thanks.” Ray sarcastically bit out, roughly pinning the clover on the left side.

“Well, it wouldn’t be normal. I want you to heal though and we, I, would be there with every step.” He heard the bed creak as Michael stood up. “Promise me that you’ll try to live.”

He clenched the pin, breathing in deeply. “I-I don’t know if I can.”

He felt Michael press a hand against his shoulder blade. “I’m not asking you to let all this go at once. I’m just asking for you to try.”

He thumbed the pin, quiet, before nodding his head. He heard Michael sigh in relief. “Thank you.” The warmth was gone as the hand lifted. “Breakfast is ready, so you better hurry.”

Ray nodded and listened to Michael leave.

 

_He wasn’t ready for when it happened._

_Not that anyone is ever ready._

 

The descent was rough right down to the landing. They had seconds before the swarm would hit, he tightly held the rifle as Jack set to healing the devastated bomb. They were lucky it didn’t go off prematurely.

_There was nothing special; it was just another normal battle. He was sitting pretty up top on a rock ledge; Geoff had his barriers, mines, sitting next to him while controlling his aerial weapon. He watched as the first wave came in and Michael quickly flung himself into the mass, easily ripping apart the monsters with his chainsaw. Below and behind, Ryan charged them and the garden._

Right off the back, they were hit. Michael immediately disappeared into the fray while Geoff lingered at the back with Jack playing defense. Ray was up front; he had switched to handguns – throwing bombs every now and then. He was distracted, which was why he didn’t notice the yeti until it literally hit him.

_It must have been twenty minutes in when Ray spotted the two giant zombie monsters approaching._

_“Two Apes on the Horizon, East, and approaching fast.” Ray yelled into his mic._

_“Fuck these assholes,” Michael yelled back, Ray could hear the exhaustion in his voice._

_“Only a few more minutes boys,” He heard Geoff yell. “Hold strong, we’re almost done.”_

_“Ryan, there’s a horde headed your way, I don’t see anything big, but keep alert.” Jack shouted into the mic._

_“Got it!” Ryan shouted. “I see them now, just a couple of casket-cases, not too bad-fuck!”_

_Ray stopped at the shock and slight fear he had heard in Ryan's voice._

_“Ryan?” Ray shouted._

_“Fuck, it’s a heavy!” He could hear a roar through the headset. He cursed that he had left the high ground, he cursed that he couldn’t find or see Ryan._

_“Ryan, pull back! Pull back!” Geoff yelled. Ray pulled forward._

_“Fuck, fuck, I think I lost him.” Ray’s heart was pounding. “I think I’m cl-“ Ryan screamed and that’s when everything went wrong._

He groaned, rolled, and lifted himself on his hand and knees. He wondered if he’d gone deaf again, but when he looked up he realized the horde had passed him. But they had not left, as he slowly realized from the soft screams coming from his dangling headset. He ached as he stood up, wincing as he put the headset close to his ear. They weren’t dying, that was a good start, but it sounded like they were nearly being swarmed. He picked his rifle up, but stopped entirely.

_Geoff may have called for Ray, he didn’t hear him, all he heard was Ryan’s scream. He ran, past the horde, past the gunfire and newly dead corpses, he ran where he hoped he’d find him._

_“Please, be strong.” He whispered, lungs burning._

“Ryan?” Ray whispered as if all the air out of his lungs were stolen and wondered if he was hit hard enough to cause delusions. There he stood, just barely a few feet away from him, alive. His eyes burned.

Ryan stood, his white, loose shirt blowing without breeze and gently smiled. He turned around and started to walk away.

“No, wait! Ryan!” Ray shouted, shakily hurrying after him.

“Ray? Ray! We need you!” He heard Michael shout through the headset. He shook his head, rushing further away from his team. “I’m not losing him again.”

_“Ryan,” Ray wheezed, leaning against an abandoned house. “Ryan is the headset near you? Please say something, anything.” He felt like he was burning and drowning, all he needed was Ryan to say one word._

Ray ripped his headset out and could smell the beach sprays. He was no longer running, painfully realizing that he couldn’t seem to catch up to Ryan’s leisurely pace.  He nearly tripped when he stumbled onto the sand, heart pounding as he watched Ryan walk straight into the waves, the water drenching his long white pants.

“Ryan, I’m right here. Don’t go.” Ray pleaded, nearly stumbling into the water himself. By some luck, it seemed that Ryan finally heard him because he paused and turned around, waist deep in the sea. He lifted his arms, his beautiful smile never leaving his face, and Ray wanted to rush straight into them.

A scream jolted him.

“Fuck, Michael’s down. I think he's badly injured and the bomb is nearly complete. Ray we need you!” Geoff’s voice shouted. He picked up the hanging headset from his waist side and looked back up at Ryan. Ray opened his mouth, but failed to say anything.

“Geoff hold on! Shit,” Jack's scream was drowned out by more gunfire and snarling.

Ryan’s smile faltered, he dropped his arms.

Ray shook his head. “No, no don’t go, please.” He begged. Ryan only held one arm out, hand open. Ray took a step forward.

“Jack!” Geoff screamed and Ray flinched.

Ryan tilted his head, his loving gaze never wavering.

Gavin had started incoherently screaming at him, blubbering, worried.

Ryan was within distance.

Geoff had stopped calling for Ray’s help.

He could lose him.

He heard Michael scream, who’s mic caught it? He doesn’t know.

“Michael? Michael! Michael, can you hear me? Please say something. Say something!” Gavin screamed. “Oh god, please. Please, Michael. I’m so sorry.” His voice was low and it hit Ray that Gavin was crying. In the two years that he knew Gavin, he never cried. “I love you.” Gavin whispered. "Please don't leave me."

Ray took a sharp inhale.

He shook his head.

Ryan frowned.

“I’m sorry.”

 

_He found Ryan._

 

He returned to chaos; he could see Geoff barely fending off the zombies and behind him two bodies lay. Ray gulped, steeled his nerves, and threw the first three grenades. The explosions took a substantial amount of the horde out as well as divert the attention of the brute. His eyes met Geoff’s and he could see relief.

“Fucking finally.” Geoff breathed out, huffing in and out. “Thought we lost you.”

Ray shrugged, firing his rifle, he shouted over the gunfire. “Luckily, I’m found.”

“How are Michael and Jack?” He asked, then ducking as a zombie slashed at him, he cocked his gun and blew it's head off. In little time, the horde's numbers were decreasing. Another explosion hit the back of the brute; he gave a loud noise before falling.

“Unconscious, a few injuries, but nothing fatal.” Geoff said, firing his own gun.

Ray fired a few more rounds until the horde had all but dissipated. He rushed over to Geoff, hooking his gun back before hefting Michael into a fireman hold. He watched Geoff struggle with Jack.

“God,” Geoff wheezed out. “I’m putting him on a diet after this.”

Together the two staggered back to the pick up zone.

 

_“Ryan?” Ray whispered, before running to him. Ryan was lying on the ground, a pool of blood around him. He cursed, trying not to panic and failing. He kneeled down by Ryan’s head; his shirt was drenched in blood, fuck. Ryan’s lidded eyes widened at Ray’s appearance, he tried to sit up, but faltered as his body was shook from coughing. He had coughed up blood. “No, no, it’s okay.” Ray murmured, pushing Ryan gently back down._

_He lifted Ryan's head and carefully placed it on his lap. He pet Ryan's hair back, one hand gently moving his jacket to the side to find the wound. He gasped at the deep gash across his stomach spewing blood._

_He couldn’t breath._

_“Ray?” Ryan chocked out, Ray nodded, trying to make soothing noises. “Yes?” He whispered._

_Ryan pressed his head weakly against Ray’s palm, lidded eyes staring up. “I don’t think I’m going to make it.” He whispered back._

_Ryan was breathing heavily, erratically._

_Ray shook his head. “It’s going to be okay.” His face felt wet. “Remember our promise?”_

_Ryan tried to nod, he grimaced instead. “Oh Rye, it’s going to be okay. Shh,” He kissed his head. “It’s going to be okay. You’ll live.” Ray whispered against his skin._

_Ryan stared past Ray’s head to the sky above and watched a flock of birds fly by. He smiled weakly. “_

_It’s going to be okay. You promised. You’ll live.” Ray murmured, voice cracking._

_“I…love” Breathing was hard, his vision was blurring. “I…love…you.”_

_“No, please, Ryan. Ryan?” Ray pulled away when Ryan went limp, tears falling down his face. His voice cracked. “Ryan? Ryan. Ryan! Answer me? Oh god, no. No, don’t leave me.” He frantically searched for a pulse, panic rising as he felt nothing. “No! NO! RYAN!” He screamed, pounding at his chest, fists bloody. “YOU PROMISED! Please, Ryan. No, no. I love you”_

_He felt hands pull against him and he fought, he screamed._

_“Ray, the bomb is about to go off we need to go!”_

_“No, no. Ryan. We need to take him!” Michael and Geoff were stronger than him and soon the cloth slipped out of his fingertips and Ryan’s head hit the dusty ground with a dull thump. He kicked, sobbing. “Please, no.” They had to take him._

_“We can’t, I’m sorry.” Geoff said instead._

_Michael picked him up and he tried to kick him, bite, but Ryan’s body only got farther away. Then he was only a spec in the distance, then Ray was in the van, and he could only sit dumbly as the garden bomb went off and sob as Ryan was truly and completely gone._

_And it was all his fault; He wasn’t fast enough, he could have prevented this, if he had only stayed with Ryan, if only he didn’t get lost. He shook his head; he pressed his  head against the glass, eyes screwed shut, clenching the pin so tightly._

_“I’m so sorry.”_

‘ _That I left you again’_ , Ray lifted his head from the glass, hand clenched around the pin. He watched, miles away, as the bomb clouds started to disappear. ‘ _I wanted to, Rye, so badly but I couldn’t…_ ’ Ray watched in the reflection as Gavin continued to give kisses to Michael, who had woken up not too long after the van flew off. The minute Jack was well enough to take the wheel; Gavin had glued himself to Michael’s side. He looked back out to the clouds.

‘ _You’re always in my head and I thought that if I just had the second chance I could change everything and save you…but here I am.’_ In the distance, he could see a flock of birds fly on and disappear into the clouds as the sun started to set. Above he could see the first hints of the stars emerge.

‘ _But we’ll find each other.’_ He held the pin and, for the first time in a long time, Ray smiled sincerely.

_‘One day, in the stars.’_


End file.
